• Restlessness or feeling tense or constantly on edge
• Easy fatigue
• Difficulty focusing or mind going blank.
• Get angry easily.
• Muscle tension.
• Sleep disturbance (difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep, or unrestful, unsatisfying sleep).

Fear and anxiety are first perceived as unpleasant, a sign of potential danger. The anxiety, worry, or somatic symptoms cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning. Depending on the intensity of generalized anxiety disorder, you avoid being in social situations. For example; You hesitate to ask your questions in class. However, you avoid taking part in a project that requires group work. The ability to make decisions or move forward is lost. You will encounter difficulties in your work and relationship life due to insecurity, doubt, and self-sabotaging behavior. You constantly try to analyze possible situations by thinking about the possibilities and think about the worst-case scenario. According to Shaub, “Fear and anxiety are created for positive purposes. “The intellectual and adaptive dimension of anxiety activates your alarm system, which will allow you to either take precautions against the danger or identify your problem appropriately, by recognizing and taking into account the danger in advance” (2012). While the anxiety you experience at a low level warns you of possibilities and situations, the anxiety you experience at a high level keeps you alert, causing you to flee or fight against danger.

In his book, Schaub explains what happens in our body when we experience fear and anxiety and embodies the psychological and physical symptoms of the challenging emotions and situations we experience. When the brain detects potential danger, the hypothalamus and pituitary gland secrete stress hormones. These; are adrenaline and cortisol hormones. The release of adrenaline and cortisol hormones accelerates breathing, sweating and blood circulation to the outer muscles. According to Cannon (1914), we give fight-or-flight responses to stressful situations. All these stages we experience prepare our body for fight-flight reactions. At the same time, our brain develops a plan against potential threats. So, how can you control the fear and anxiety we experience while all these physical reactions occur?

To think about how we can control fear and anxiety, we need to look at how these challenging emotions and situations occur. These;

• Internal conflict; No matter how hard you work, a voice inside you always says, “You're not good enough. You will never succeed. Did he just imply what a failure you are? I can't believe." These internal conflicts, which make one feel insecure and inadequate, are sometimes defined as self-sabotaging behaviors of the individual.
• Stored Emotions; Not expressing emotions freely, suppressing them, and not allowing them to experience them harms us. We believe that it is better to ignore socially challenging feelings and thoughts. "I will look weak." All the negative emotions suppressed by the thought emerge stronger after a while and harm the individual physically and psychologically.
• Limiting Self-Beliefs; Self-beliefs that an individual has about himself can be the strongest internal resource as well as the biggest obstacle. Most self-beliefs are anchored in the subconscious before puberty. The experiences that create self-belief and the impressions against experiences are to keep the individual safe and to experience happiness. It is about both security and pleasure. We do not consciously determine our self-belief. It is based on the opinions of the people around us about us and how we interpret their actions. (Shaub,2012,p. 78-86) 

As a result of every experience we have, we have some predictions about ourselves and our environment. In fact, we often do not realize that we are talking to ourselves through someone else's mouth. “How did I make this mistake? He'll think I'm incompetent too. always the same thing I'm doing it. “I can't do anything.” These words were perhaps spoken to you at a very critical time. Every time you make a mistake you say to yourself, you told yourself that "You are incompetent." and believed that you were really incompetent. This opinion about yourself is also reflected in your behavior. So, is this something that can be changed? So how can we change the way we think about ourselves? According to Osho; “Emotions and thoughts are guests. They come and they go” (2014). We have been led to believe that our opinions about ourselves will not change and that we will be the same in the future as we were in the past. We believed that our habits and behaviors would not change. In his book Fear and Anxiety Solutions, Schaub explains how we can change our mindset.

REFERENCES

Kafes, A. Y. (2021). An overview of depression and anxiety disorders. Humanistic Perspective, 3(1), 186-194.

A.P. Association. (2013). Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders Dsm-5. ISBN: 9780890425541. Publisher: American Psychiatric Association Publishing.

Cannon, W. B. (1914). The interrelations of emotions as suggested by recent physiological research. The American Journal of Psychology, 25(2), 256-282.

Schaub, F. (2012). The fear and anxiety solution: a breakthrough process for healing and empowerment with your subconscious mind. Sounds True.

Osho International Foundation. (2014). Hsin Hsin Ming: The Zen Understanding of Mind and Consciousness. Osho Media International.

Emotional problems associated with food cravings usually fall into one of the following categories:

• Stress, tension, depression, fear or impatience

• Feeling depressed or bored

• Feeling tired and weak

• Meeting the need for entertainment and relaxation. Working too hard, not having enough fun

• Disappointment from love, care, affection, displeasure, or frustration.

• Emptiness, insecurity or need for relief

(Virtue, 2011 p.54)

According to Plutchik, when overweight individuals experience difficult emotions, they tend to eat more than individuals whose body and weight index are proportional (1976, pp21-24). Emotional and physical hunger are confused and even feel the same. That's why we continue to binge eat, not realizing that we are full. In fact, it is not our stomach that we want to feed, but our emotions. Learning the definitions of emotional and physical hunger is key to understanding where hunger originates.

Emotional Hunger:

• It comes suddenly and is urgent: You weren't actually hungry 10 minutes ago. But if you don't eat right now, you feel hungry as if you are going to die and want to eat urgently, this is emotional hunger.

• Requires a certain food: You feel compelled to eat the cheeseburger. Another food you consume will not satisfy you.

• It is accompanied by a sad feeling: You had an argument with your friend. You feel very alone. You have a very important exam tomorrow and that's why you're feeling stressed. You may find yourself eating chocolate conciously or unconciously to feel better.

• It involves eating spontaneously or unknowingly: As if someone were forcing you to eat that chocolate. You feel like you are feeding. Even though you already got what you need, you continue to eat. Maybe it continues until you feel nauseous from eating chocolate. this situation. Nausea makes you aware of what you are doing and how you are feeling. However, sometimes, you may not even notice that you are feeling nauseous.

• Does not stop even when the body is full: Emotional eating results from covering up challenging emotions, ignoring is caused by procrastination. You eat to get rid of challenging emotions. Your stomach hurts and you feel nauseous. You continue eating.

• Eating guilt: You ate to feel better and actually you felt better for a short time. However, you ate so much that it bothered you. “That's enough! The same thing happens every time and then I gain weight. I feel so ugly and I feel overweight.” thoughts like this crossed your mind.

Physical Hunger:

• It's gradual and patient: Your stomach growls, and your energy drops. Your body gives you signals along with step-by-step tips. Eat right at that moment does not command.

• Open to different foods: You may not want to eat some foods, but you are open to alternative foods.

• It arises from physical need: If you ate dinner a few hours ago and feel hungry, then you are experiencing physical hunger. You may feel dizzy, feel weak, have a headache.

• It involves conscious choices and awareness: When you realize you are full, stop eating. It is the state of being able to stop even though you have not finished. When you are satisfied, you stop.

Virtue addresses the underlying causes of emotional hunger and offers readers their own emotional It helps them discover ways to understand, express and satisfy their needs. She offers techniques that we can easily integrate into daily life such as meditation, self-awareness and positive thinking to find emotional balance. We develop certain methods to escape from the challenging emotions we experience or to feel better. But these methods seem good and useful to us for a short time. Some damaging situations arise in the long term. It is necessary to move forward by being aware of these and create space for yourself to make choices.

REFERENCES

Sevinçer, G. M., & Konuk, N. (2013). Emotional eating. Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences, 3(4), 171.

Virtue, D. (2011). Constant craving: What your food cravings mean and how to overcome them.

Hay House, Inc. Plutchik, R. (1976). Emotions and attitudes related to being overweight. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 32(1), 21-24

Violent communication may have been in our lives since childhood and we may be using it without realizing it. According to Rosenberg, communication prevents us from communicating compassionately; Moralistic judgments consist of making comparisons and denying responsibility (2004, p.31). Moralistic judgments are accurate, inaccurate, or bad evaluations you make about people. It includes blaming, insulting, belittling, diagnosing, and labeling. For example, without realizing it, “He's a crazy person.”, “Your real problem is that you're a careless and irrational person.” We can make heartbreaking sentences for example comparison is often hurtful. You may be criticizing yourself harshly. You may find yourself saying that “I worked hard, but he got higher grades than me. What's my problem?" As long as we compare, we continue to ignore our success. Denying responsibility is another factor that hinders nonviolent communication. For example, if a person who is addicted to cigarettes claims that addiction is the reason why he smokes too much, he is denying his responsibility. While it is the person's responsibility to be able to let this go, using it as an excuse and hiding behind that excuse means that the person is denying responsibility.

There are four elements to communicating nonviolently. These;

1) Observation: Observing does not mean evaluating. We add our feelings and thoughts when making an evaluation. While observing, we state our observations in their pure form. "Whenever I talk to you, you always complain about something." In fact, an evaluation is made. “We talked to you four times this week, and each time you talked about people who treated you in ways you didn't like.” The sentence is an observation. In order for something to be an observation, it must be a sentence that simply states what is, without emotion or thought. Sometimes, in a negative situation, the way we speak can make us seem more angry than we are, when we are calm and think we are being calm to the other person. The reason for this situation is the intense communication that has become a habit in our way of communication.

2) Emotion: Real emotions to communicate nonviolently; It is distinguished from words and expressions that contain thoughts, comments, and evaluations. For example, “I feel like you don't love me.” Emotions and thoughts are not separated from each other in the sentence. It contains thoughts about the other person's feelings instead of expressing the actual emotion. “I'm glad you're coming.” The sentence only conveys emotion.

3) Need: It is the awareness of the needs behind the emotions. When negative communication is communicated, this communication is responded to in four ways; blaming ourselves, blaming others, sensing our feelings and needs, and sensing the emotions and needs hidden behind the other person's negative message. For example, if we say to a person we are offended by, “I get very angry when you talk like that. Because I want respect and I perceive your words as an insult.” If we express our thoughts and feelings like this, it means that we have taken responsibility for our feelings.

4) Request: When we tell the other person what we want while speaking, the rate of getting the response we want increases. Expressing requests with vague sentences usually results in disappointment. For example, if a person is sitting in his room with the door closed and a family member enters his room without knocking and the young person is disturbed by this, say, "I want you to respect my private life." Just saying is not a sufficient request. Instead, “I want you to respect my privacy by knocking on my door before entering my room.” If he says this, he will detail his request and his chances of getting what he wants will increase.

When we hide some meanings and requests under words, we may perceive this as disrespect when those hidden meanings are not paid attention to. In fact, all we need to do is to establish a more open and healthy communication.

In Rosenberg's book, numerous examples of nonviolent communication language's sentence patterns in daily life are given. Rosenberg was able to explain this language of communication in a way that everyone can find traces of it in their own lives. A person who thinks he communicates clearly may realize that he communicates violently on some issues while reading this book. Recognizing this situation is the first and most important step. It may take time to change violent communication patterns, but by freeing ourselves from this and continuing with nonviolent communication, we can establish much healthier communication and bonds than before.

            Jones et al. (2008) conducted a study on mice at Emory School of Medicine (Learning-dependent structural plasticity in the adult olfactory pathway, 28(49)). In the study, healthy mice were made to smell cherry blossoms and given an electric shock. After being made to smell cherry blossoms again, it was observed that the mice were startled by that smell, even though no electric shock was given, and they were conditioned in this way. Mice are mated and their reactions to the smell of cherry blossoms are measured in each generation. The new generation of mice, which have not been exposed to electric shock before, react just like their previous generations when they smell cherry blossoms. Thus, it has been discovered that traumatic moments can be transmitted to subsequent generations through epigenetic changes that occur in DNA.

Robinson et al. (2014) examined the effects of stress on pregnant rats and premature birth. According to the study, pregnant rats under stress gave birth prematurely and their daughters' pregnancies were short-lived. The grandchildren of the same pregnant rats also gave birth prematurely. Mild to moderate stress experienced during pregnancy is transmitted between generations and expands with each generation. According to Kocatürk, “Our body secretes the cortisol hormone during stress, and the cortisol hormone helps our body return to normal after the trauma we experience. According to Yehuda & Seckl (2011), they observed that children of people with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) were born with low cortisol levels, similar to their parents' low cortisol levels (Minireview: stress-related psychiatric disorders with low cortisol levels: a metabolic hypothesis. Endocrinology, 152(12), 4496-4503). It all starts with your grandmother and grandfather having sexual intercourse. According to Lipton, “A mother's emotions such as fear, anger, love, and hope can biologically change the genetic expression of her children. Your grandmother kept a record of the emotions and thoughts she experienced until she gave birth to your mother. Likewise, your father's experiences are also encoded in the sperm and transmitted through the sperm. For instance, Wolynn (2016) includes cases in his book. According to Tricia's story, Tricia always had short-term relationships, and the people she was in relationships with ended the relationship by saying that Tricia was so cold and insensitive. Likewise, Tricia's mother is a cold, heartless, distant, and emotionally unavailable woman. Tricia states that she cannot go to her mother even for support. According to Wolynn, Tricia's rejection of her mother is the reason for the failures in their relationship. Through the sessions, Tricia stated that Tricia portrays her mother as a selfish and emotionally unavailable woman. In fact, her grandmother suffered a great loss and that's why she had to grow up with her aunt. Feeling like a stranger in the family and being a resentful and cold person turned her into an emotionally inaccessible woman over time. This grandmotherly pattern repeated itself over time, reaching Tricia.

This can be a difficult situation to accept. I recommend you read the book slowly. Specific practices are explained to help you discover yourself and your past. Wolynn recommends doing these practices over time. When we look back, we don't know what awaits us. This is a process of discovery that requires courage and time. The book also includes practices that emphasize the importance of being compassionate and trying to understand our parents instead of blaming them. We may experience difficulties and confusion on the path to well-being. These difficulties and confusions lead us to well-being.

REFERENCES

Kocatürk, P. A. (2000). Strese cevap. Ankara Üniversitesi Tıp Fakültesi Mecmuası, 53(1).

Yao, Y., Robinson, A. M., Zucchi, F. C., Robbins, J. C., Babenko, O., Kovalchuk, O., ... & Metz, G. A. (2014). Ancestral exposure to stress epigenetically programs preterm birth risk and adverse maternal and newborn outcomes. BMC medicine, 12(1), 1-12.

Wolynn, M. (2017). It didn't start with you: How inherited family trauma shapes who we are and how to end the cycle. Penguin.

Yehuda, R., & Seckl, J. (2011). Minireview: stress-related psychiatric disorders with low cortisol levels: a metabolic hypothesis. Endocrinology, 152(12), 4496-4503.

Jones, S. V., Choi, D. C., Davis, M., & Ressler, K. J. (2008). Learning-dependent structural plasticity in the adult olfactory pathway. Journal of Neuroscience, 28(49), 13106-13111.

Therapist Paul Gilbert, the founder of compassion-based therapy, sees compassion as a human psychological capacity that can be developed. According to Gilbert (2005), compassion increases the ability to provide care. I think seeing this as something we can improve, is a hopeful approach. By developing this ability to face situations that we cannot approach with compassion, we can gain different perspectives on ourselves and our environment. Over time, we can develop the practice of compassion and apply it to ourselves. We confront situations that we are afraid to face.

According to Atalay (2019), "Compassion means understanding the nature of pain. It is realizing that pain is temporary as much as we accept its existence and inevitableness. Accepting pain means being able to continue with the pain, not despite it." What did we notice in the events we experienced? What were our reactions? Did we blame ourselves or did we take steps towards understanding? Did we escape from the event we experienced and suppress it? Or did we have the courage to confront it and show ourselves kindness and compassion?

According to Gilbert (2005), compassion has three different aspects. These are;

• Compassion transferred from us to others

• Compassion coming to us from others

• Self-compassion, the compassion we feel for ourselves

(Compassion and cruelty, p.9-74).

Compassion transferred from us to others;

This aspect of compassion is something we are familiar with as a society. But what we actually need to notice here is that the meaning of compassion is slightly different from the situation we are familiar with. In other words; Compassion does not mean pitying someone, being soft-hearted, or being weak. On the contrary, it is having the courage and confidence to face challenging emotions and situations. It is being sensitive to the pain of others.

Compassion Coming to Us from Others;

This type of compassion can sometimes mislead us depending on the emotions and situations we are in. Sometimes we find ourselves in situations where we hesitate to express that we need help. We avoid showing our pain and try to maintain our strong, indestructible image to the outside world. Compassion: “People pity me.” You may perceive it as such and push everyone away from you. Asking for help, sharing your pain with others, and showing people your feelings are not shameful and do not show that you are weak. On the contrary, it shows that you are open to compassion. In other words, it shows that you have the courage to face the painful situations and emotions you are experiencing.

Self-Compassion: The Compassion We Feel for Ourselves;

According to Germer (2009), “The experience of being compassionate means giving up the tendency to resist emotional discomfort. It is accepting a person, pain, or our own reactions to pain” (Germer, The Mindful Path to Self-compassion).

This may be the most difficult thing to experience. Self-compassion is generally perceived as self-reward. That's why people choose not to show compassion to themselves. “What does it mean to be kind to yourself when you make a mistake?” There may be times when you think: Approaching yourself with compassion does not make you spoiled, weak, and selfish. It won't leave you unprotected. It gives you the confidence and courage to admit your mistakes rather than blaming others. It's about taking steps to improve behaviors that harm you. It means accepting that you are human and you can make mistakes like everyone else.

Your friend is experiencing a stressful and challenging situation. That's why he makes mistakes and can't complete his work. He asked for help from you. You also empathized with your friend. You thought about how you would feel if you were in his place. Maybe you understood his emotional state even though it put you in a difficult situation. You offered to help them with their work, you understood their mistakes, you guided them in their work, and you gently explained their mistakes. You, your friend, are experiencing the same situation instead of your friend. You should treat yourself with the same "compassion" as you treat your friend. Atalay (2016) states that showing compassion for ourselves does not mean ignoring our mistakes and seeing ourselves as perfect, nor does it mean criticizing ourselves mercilessly while noticing our mistakes. In fact, we can say that we accept ourselves and our mistakes and improve ourselves by approaching them constructively.

Self-compassion consists of 3 components. These are;

Self Kindness; When you make a mistake, you want to find out which steps you had difficulty in and the factors that caused the error. However, the point we need to pay attention to in this regard is that we do not use accusatory, insulting or judgmental sentences towards ourselves while realizing the mistakes we made. It means not making yourself suffer by punishing yourself.

Sample sentences;

“How could I make such a mistake? You are stupid, stupid! Even a sophomore would do this right.” This is so incriminating and it's a judgmental sentence.

“It was very wrong for me to take this step like this. That's why I made a mistake and things turned out this way. Everyone makes mistakes. “I have to remind myself to pay a little more attention.” With this sentence, you admitted your mistake, found the mistake, and approached it constructively.

Common Sharing; What you are experiencing are human experiences. Every person experiences common emotions and situations with you at different periods of their life. In fact, the events you experience, the emotions you feel, and your thoughts are common with people. Your mother made the same mistake when she was your age. The person you idolize also made mistakes and got to where he is now.

Mindfulness; I gave information about mindfulness in my previous article. To briefly recall, It means accepting what we notice without judgment while paying attention to what is happening in the present moment. It means realizing the stress you are experiencing in a very stressful moment. Instead of pushing the stress away, it means saying, "I see it's here, I accept what I'm experiencing right now." According to Atalay (2016), self-compassion tells you that the pain will change when you are kind to yourself in the middle of the pain, while mindfulness tells you that the pain will change when you are open to the pain with awareness.

We have an existing way of thinking. When we make mistakes, we tend to blame ourselves. With practice, we can change our existing, automatic formulaic sentences. The book contains guided practices to embed compassion into our daily lives. Embedding these practices into life and taking a compassionate approach in challenging emotional situations can take time and in some cases be difficult. For this, we need to remind ourselves to be self-kind and compassionate with conscious awareness.

References

Atalay, Z. (2019). Şefkat: Zorlayıcı duygu ve durumlarla yaşayabilme sanatı. İstanbul: İnkilap.

Germer, C. (2009). The mindful path to self-compassion: Freeing yourself from destructive thoughts and emotions. Guilford Press.

Gilbert, P. (2005). Compassion and cruelty. Compassion: Conceptualisations, research and use in psychotherapy, 9-74.

Traumas usually occur suddenly and unexpectedly. Before going into surgery, you may have time to prepare yourself for the surgery process. You are aware of possible post-operative symptoms and have researched them. You plan what to do. But we cannot plan every moment in our lives. We cannot predict what will happen to us. When trauma occurs, we try to cope with the situation in the best way by adapting to the situation mentally, emotionally, and physically. We exhibit behaviors that we do not expect from ourselves. Sometimes it is simply out of the question to prepare for a previously known traumatic event, such as death. We may encounter many stressful situations throughout our lives, but few of them can be called traumas.

According to the American Psychiatric Association (APA) (2013), “Trauma is when an individual experiences or witnesses an event or events that involve real or perceived death or injury, or that pose a threat to the physical integrity of oneself or others. The reactions of the individual include intense fear, helplessness, threat or horror” (Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders Dsm-5, p.146). The DSM-5 divides trauma into three important categories. These are; man-made disasters, natural disasters, violence, crime, and terrorism. However, it should be noted that not all stressors are trauma.

It is very important to make sense of the post-traumatic experience. In this way, the situation is improved. It is very important to understand the experience, combine it with your life, move on, take control of your life, and start a new life.

Trauma is not something to be taken lightly. During the healing process, people may react to losing direction, feeling tired, and acting as if the situation never happened. Likewise, the healing process differs from person to person. However, the reactions given in this process are common to many people who have experienced trauma. According to Herbert (2015);

Frequent reactions to trauma;

1. Re-experiencing the trauma

   •        Recurrent distressing recollections of the trauma

   •        Recurring dreams, nightmares, and insomnia

   •        Flashbacks

2. Numbness and avoidance reactions

   •        Numbness reactions

   •        Avoidance responses

3. Difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep

   •        Irritability and outbursts of anger

   •        Difficulties with concentration and memory

   •        Increased attention and exaggerated concern for your own or others' safety

   •        Exaggerated startle responses

   •        Your bodily responses to situations that remind you of your trauma

4. Other reactions to trauma

   •        Reactions to the loss of a close person

   •        Physical damage/Organ loss

   •        Chronic pain

   •        Sexual difficulties

   •        Depression

   •        Guilt/Self-blame

   Blaming yourself for some or all of the trauma and/or behavior during the trauma

   Thinking that you should have died instead of someone else

A psychologist or psychiatrist may have told you that you have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Post-traumatic stress disorder is the definition given to the mixture of post-traumatic reactions (Herbert, p.42, 2015). If you've been experiencing symptoms for a month or more, these reactions are diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder. Some people do not react immediately after trauma and may experience post-traumatic reactions perhaps a month later. You may feel inadequate, weak, or sick. In fact, you have understandable responses to abnormal situations after sudden, painful, and distressing experiences caused by the trauma.

I would like to remind you that; Each person's reactions to the experiences that make up his life may be different. You may react differently while your friend, who has experienced the same traumatic event, continues his life. There is no right or wrong reaction. It is very important that we respect each other's experiences and reactions. There are two reasons why one of two people experiencing the same trauma, experiences PTSD and the other does not. First of all, each individual develops different defense mechanisms. Secondly, each experiences trauma through their own emotions and observations. Since we are all different from each other, our experiences in life, our defense mechanisms, our reactions to events, and our thoughts are different. Although people have different experiences and reactions to the same situation, all experiences and reactions are equally valid.

The book tells you how to deal with trauma and gives examples from people who have experienced trauma. Working with trauma can be overwhelming. You may be uncomfortable talking. People around you may act like this never happened because they don't know how to approach you. In fact, people who start therapy realize that they don't feel comfortable talking about this event with someone. You can talk to a person you trust about the trauma, record a video and listen to it later, write it on paper, or draw a picture. In this case, it is very important to proceed step by step. For example, you had a car accident. It will be healthier for you to proceed step by step instead of directly getting into the car and driving after the accident. First, you can start by just sitting in the car. As you progress step by step, you can drive to the nearest market. But in this case, we can say that coping with anxiety is the key point. As soon as you feel anxious, breathing exercises can help.

If you can't get over the trauma, can't participate in daily life, or find it too difficult to face the experience, you can seek professional help for your well-being. Herbert (2015) states that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and EMDR Therapy, Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Behavioral Therapy techniques, yoga, meditation, and breathing exercises are effective for traumatized people (p.61).

You are not alone. You don't have to deal with the traumatic event alone. You can get help from a psychologist, or psychiatrist.

References

A. P. Association. (2013). Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders Dsm-5. ISBN: 9780890425541. Yayınevi: American Psychiatric Association Publishing.

Herbert, C. (2002). Understanding your reactions to trauma: A guide for survivors of trauma and their families. Blue Stallion Publications.

• Words of Affirmation:  What we call words of affirmation are actually small compliments you say to your partner. For example;

“Your hair is beautiful today.”
“Thank you for supporting me.”
“Thank you for helping me with the meals, I was very tired.”
“These glasses look great on you.”
Your partner may be waiting for your support. Being appreciated, complimented, and thanked is more valuable to him than a gift from a loved one's approval.

•  Quality Time: It is to spend time with your partner in a quality way. It's very important to him or her to listen and make eye contact, putting aside other chores completely. It's when you pay attention to each other by not paying attention to your phone.

When you come home in the evening, it is not just sitting at the table and eating without talking. Instead, you can talk about how the day went. It is very important that you share with each other. It doesn't mean being together for hours. It is actually doing activities that are quality, satisfying and you feel love.

•  Receiving Gifts: “Gifts are visual symbols of love,” says Chapman in his book. For a person whose love language is a gift, a gift has sentimental value.

Something you see while visiting a store reminds you of your partner and you think that they will like it very much. Leaving a note to your partner when you leave the house in the morning, plucking a favorite flower and giving it as a surprise "I love you." It is more effective and romantic for you than saying.

• Acts of Service: Helping the person you love, lightening the load, tidying the table, doing the laundry, or simply taking out the trash is a sign of love for you. You think about the person next to you.

By reducing the person's responsibilities, you allow him or her to spend time with you. Such as making tea while your loved one is working, spending hours in the kitchen to cook his favorite meals, ironing his clothes over and over to iron them perfectly…

• Physical Touch: Touching and being touched is a sign of love for you. No matter what you do, it's not enough for you. But the moment you hug, you think you are expressing all your love.

Compliments or receiving gifts are not enough. But one touch can make you very happy. Instead of saying "I love you", a little kiss means the same thing to you.

The book exemplifies this by giving cases and that way it becomes more understandable. “I think there is a problem with me. None of my relationships work and I don't feel loved. People I'm with say I'm too cold." Before we say that, we actually need to find our love language. Maybe you didn't speak the same language with the person in your failed relationships. Maybe that person didn't know how to treat you.

You have learned your partner's love language. So how can you use this information for a healthy relationship now? For a healthy relationship, you need to treat the person you love with their love language. The person you love should treat you the same way with your love language. In this way, both of you stay in balance and feel loved on both sides.